As my clients debrief about the stress of Thanksgiving and prepare themselves for the next round of family scrimmages, one theme seems to emerge again and again. This is the felt need to detach and stand aside while the family drama runs its course. Power struggles and separate agendas are an inevitable part of family get-togethers, and seem to be a large part of what makes holidays so stressful.
One woman told me that her family ended up having three turkeys on Thanksgiving because no one could agree about how the turkey should be cooked. She thought that the turkey should be slow roasted, her husband wanted a smoked turkey, and her adult daughter insisted that the best way to cook a turkey was by deep frying. The only way her husband and daughter were willing to attend the Thanksgiving meal was to have three turkeys on the table, cooked in three different ways.
My client felt proud of herself for stepping back and letting everyone do what they wanted. She roasted one turkey in her traditional way, and let her husband and daughter be responsible for cooking the turkeys in their own ways. ?For the first time, I was able to detach myself emotionally, let go of the need to control the situation, and just allow everyone to cook their own turkey the way they wanted,? she told me. She felt that this letting go freed her to be happy and peaceful for the holiday. ?I never could have done this before,? she continued. ?In other years I would have tried to talk everyone into having one turkey cooked in the usual way.?
Being able to detach from emotionally charged situations is a skill that has been valued since ancient times. The Greek Stoics placed a high value on what they called ataraxia, or mental tranquility, and apatheia, which means the absence of passion. The Stoics believed that we cannot control things that are caused by the will of others or by Nature. We can only control our own will. Happiness, in the view of the Stoics, were not about having material possessions and power. On the contrary, they believed that happiness resided in the ability to adjust one?s opinions and mental attitude toward one?s situation and setting one's own will in harmong with Nature. Two Millenia before the "Serenity Prayer" was re-discovered, the Greek Stoic Epictetus said that the key to happiness was to recognize those things that are not in one's control and those that are--then to let go of the former.
Various Buddhist and Hindu traditions value a similar type of release from strong emotional attachments. Many strands of Hinduism value moksha, or the release from suffering. One attains moksha through the practice of meditation. Through practicing the mental discipline of mindfulness, one can reorder one's consciousness to be in a union with God or the Divine. For Buddhists, nirvana is the state of being free from suffering. The word nirvana literally means "blown out," a reference to the peaceful state of mind that comes from detachment from worldly things.
?The ancient mental states of ataraxia, moksha and nirvana can bring peace of mind--the essential key to navigating through the stressful situations that the holidays inevitably bring. Meditation, yoga and other mindfulness practices are therefore key items on your holiday list. They are the best gifts you can give to yourself.
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