Conscious communication is a window into the world of our own and another?s heart and mind.?As a tool, it guides the energies we bring to our communications, so that we remain consciously aware of what is going on inside of us, our feelings, thoughts, what we want and need.
In Part 1 we described eight attributes of a conscious way of talking. In this post, the focus is on conscious-listening.
Listening is perhaps the most critical component of effective communication. That?s because feeling?known, heard, understood, valued, and so on, are hardwired emotion-drives, critical aspects of our overarching drive to do more than merely survive, that is, to matter and meaningfully connect in life. Our drive to thrive is directly connected to our survival. Unfulfilled drives to matter can and do negatively directly impact our health, emotional, mental and physical.
Conscious-listening is a way of being present to see, know and recognize the other?s unique value, as a presence in your relationship. It?s impossible to authentically love another, though this is a common mistake, without being willing to connect and be a non-judging witness to their concerns, needs, dreams and frustrations.?As important as it is to resolve problems or issues past or present, problems can quickly become ?impossible? to solve.
Why? We fail to see most all issues are questions of the heart, thus, tend to rely on ?logic? to persuade the other to do things our way.?The more we build a case like a lawyer or judge, the more the other?s heart shuts off.
When our thoughts or views feel dismissed, unimportant, ignored by the other, our body subconsciously regards them as ?threats? and activates our defenses. Our deepest yearnings are to matter, to meaningfully connect, to contribute value in our relationships, and thus at minimum, we yearn to be treated with dignity (especially when upset).
What this means is that, because these core strivings are emotional and relational in nature, they?cannot?be solved with logic (alone). In fact, our attempts to solve them with ?logic? (our versus theirs) are the cause of much resistance, suffering, confusion, despair, perhaps also loss of hope and feelings of powerlessness.
The challenges of resolving issues can be lessened considerably when we understand that, ultimately, it is in our highest interest as individuals to consciously act in ways that treat one another with dignity?unconditionally. It is the key to growing healthy, vibrant relationships.
1. ?Train your mind to consciously listen with an open heart.
To resolve conflict, regardless how intense the disagreement, we need an open heart to listening with compassion and understanding of the other. This is the part we tend to find most challenging. Rather than use the power of listening to open the other?s heart, we fight to be heard, understood, appreciated, not realizing how our actions are often what?s blocking us from getting the love we yearn for in our key relationships. We need a way of listening in which we consciously choose to treat the other with dignity, thus, make a commitment to avoid judgments, accusations, blame, and other anxiety-provoking responses.
Stay centered on listening to the other fully. Focus on understanding the heart of their message, their positive intentions. Listen for feelings and emotional needs, and feelings and needs beneath the feelings. Listen for unfulfilled expectations, wishes. Suspend judgments, and give the other the benefit of doubt.
2. Be an empathic presence.
Place yourself in the other?s shoes, and really look at the world from their perspective, understanding his or her feelings, emotion-dirves. What is the underlying message? This does not mean you need to agree. Just see the world from where they are. When you do, this sends the heart warming messages such as:
?I value you as a person and recognize your unique perspective and experience of the world.?
?You are important to me, you are cared for, you are a real presence in my heart.?
?I believe in you and trust your ability to think, make choices and learn from any mistakes.?
These messages can be conveyed without even saying these words, or any words. Although hearing such words can be powerfully healing, these messages are also expressed by being consciously present, in mind and body, also aware of your body-talk when you are listening,??making eye contact, giving your full attention, the look on your face, perhaps touch when appropriate, all show your concern or care.
3.?Give empathic responses.
Every communication is a bid for connection. Responses are powerful in that they let the other know whether you are empathically connected or not. When your response communicates you?re not connected to place where you seek to understand the other, you send a message that you do not care. Emotions directly affect your and their physiology, thus your communication. When you are not present, the other feels the disconnect in relation to you, and, unless they are have a set intention to remain aware and present, they can lose their own sense of safety and connection.?For example, let?s say Jonathan comes home from work and says the following to his partner Sue: ?My boss blasted me in front of my colleagues today!?
Examples of non-empathic responses:
Sue: ?Look at you complaining again. Why don?t you just quit??
Or?
Sue: ?What did you do to get him angry this time??
Neither of the above responses are effective. In the first, Sue?s comment dismisses John?s concern, treating him like a child who should stop complaining and grow up. In the second, even worse, the comment accuses, blames and attacks him as a person, sending a message that his effectiveness as a person is in question.
Examples of empathic response:
Sue: ?I?m sorry to hear that. That must have been embarrassing.?
Or?
Sue: ?How insensitive of him. Are you still upset about it??
?4.?Be accepting.
Unconditional acceptance means letting go of judgments of the other as a person.?Judging sets a competitive tone that turns conversations into competitions for who is superior and who is inferior, right and who is wrong, good or bad, better or worse, and so on. There are NO winners in these competitions when it comes to family relationships!?To stop being judgmental, practice the following (it takes work!): consciously separate the worth and value of a person from their actions or behaviors. While it?s necessary to assess and think of what behaviors are harmful versus ?enriching, when we attack or condemn a person?s character, we are literally striking lethal blows to the relationship we have (or had). It?s just human nature. Relationships follow laws of physics, such as: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Although common, it?s unrealistic to attack a person?s worth or capacity as a person, and then expect them to change their behavior, even thank and love us more! People tend to live up to expectations, and we wonder why. Be accepting and believe in others instead. It?s much more powerful than judging. Focus on giving unconditional acceptance instead.
5.?Use clarifying questions.
Paraphrasing or repeating back what you say allows you to clarify meanings and understand the other.? Sometimes it is necessary to ask questions to clarify meanings, such as ?I?m not sure what you mean,? can you tell me more about this?? or ?What do you mean by ?too upsetting to deal with?? Asking for addition information not only helps you to better understand the other, it also sends a positive underlying message that ?I want to know and value your perspective.? Nothing warms the heart more than sending a message that you value the other by valuing their viewpoint.
In conscious communication, both talking and listening skills matter and work together, serving to provide an emotional experience that allows each person to feel safe enough to grow a quality relationship in which key?emotional?needs (not wants?) are expressed, mutually valued ??and met through?natural?giving ??from a place of love and joy, and not fear, shame or guilt.
Though emotions span a broad range, pitch and depth in intensity and complexity, from the perspective of the body?s autonomic nervous system, ultimately, love and fear are the two main signals or feeling-physiological states of the body. In other words, all feelings root back to either love- or fear-based emotions.
When you talk and listen in ways that stretch you, particularly in moments where you may not ?feel? like doing so, you exercise your ability to stretch and courageously develop the capacity to authentically love your self and another.
And since the ingredients that strengthen your relationships have to do with feeling states that you (consciously or subconsciously) energize in yourself and the other (by your?self-talk, beliefs) ? nothing is more important to growing healthy relationships than ?adjusting??how you treat (thus ?feel? about) your self?and?the other in the moment.
Conscious communication is an intention to do our best, in challenging moments, to remain empathically connected to self and the other, rather than triggered and defensive. When we feel safe enough to be present, we are more likely to express ourself authentically, and thus more likely to be listened to, validated and valued in return.
Relationship consultant, author, licensed marriage and family therapist, Dr. Athena Staik shows clients how to break free of anxiety, addictions, and other emotional blocks, to awaken radiantly healthy lives and relationships. Dr. Staik is currently in private practice in Northern VA, and writing her book, Safe Enough to Love?: Breaking Free of Addictive Love in Couple Relationships. To contact Dr. Staik for information, an appointment or workshop, visit www.drstaik.com, or visit on her Facebook fan page DrAthenaStaikLike this author?
Catch up on other posts by Athena Staik, Ph.D. (or subscribe to their feed).
????Last reviewed: 28 Feb 2013
APA Reference
Staik, A. (2013). Conscious Communication, 2 of 2: Five Attributes of Conscious-Listening. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 1, 2013, from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2013/02/conscious-communication-2-of-2-five-attributes-of-conscious-listening/
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